i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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