Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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