She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"