i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...