woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
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He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
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He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i'm high and self actualising, please send help