I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
