she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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