You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
