I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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