dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
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The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
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If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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