how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
