I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize