I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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