So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
