No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
