hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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