My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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