we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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