I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
