Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
