didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
