why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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