You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
