My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
