She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
