I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying