I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
