Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
