Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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