We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
