I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
