I was born with a shot glass in my hand
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
