Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
