My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
