Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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