I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
