You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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