I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
