Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
