the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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