i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
