According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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