I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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