she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
