White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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