when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
