OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
