Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
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My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
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just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.