she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
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That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
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I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.