She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My liver just had a heart attack.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b