no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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