Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
