dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
