Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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