I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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