you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
All I want is dick and wine.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
