I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
