I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
