Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
