why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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