somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
